So everyone knows the horrible thing that happened lastweekend. It makes me sick, the whole thing makes me sick and sad and weepy and
mama-bear-want-to-hug-my-kids. It’s awful.
Something kind of amazing is happening because of it,
though. I’ve been obsessed with the #YesAllWomen hashtag. I watch the feed
grow, ten posts a second with stories, some personal, some funny, some raw,
touching, far-reaching, political, and poignant. The crazy part is, until
recently I think I’ve been fairly ignorant of exactly how deep the sexist fault
that runs under our culture really is. To be honest, I work in a pharmaceutical
industry. I’ve never felt demeaned or belittled at work. I’m often respected.
Many of my colleagues are women. Does that mean I’m denying it exists? No, not
at all. I do think everyday sexism is a thing, it just never hit home like it
has recently. I tend to ignore people who offend me, or alternatively, not get
offended by it.
Then I started seeing replies to #YesAllWomen, and not just from
men. Angry, counterproductive hashtags.
I saw one that said something like “I never heard a catcall in my life, yet a
million women on twitter claim to hear it all the time. Y’all must think you’re
really beautiful.” (As if that’s even the POINT). And then there was about twenty
responses to that, women included, basically saying: Hear, Hear!
So I’m finally offended. Here’s why: I’m part of the problem. I
think to many people feminism means you don’t shave your armpits and get mad
when someone uses the word “chick”. I’ve always been more laid back, people it’s a joke. But you know what? I
need to be fucking offended once in a while. Honest to God, what kind of people-pleasing asshole shrugs and
smiles when people say truly terrible things about my friends, my gender, ME? Words
like c*nt, and hoe because they get rejected. Who turns a blind eye, shrugs,
and moves on with their day? Oh yeah. Me. I do that.
So here’s a crazy story. I traveled in college. I backpacked
some of Europe and had a blast and spent more money than I should and got bit
by bed bugs and it was AMAZING. DO THIS. Anyway, we were out drinking one
night. Afterward, I was in line to get ice-cream at some stand and these four
Swedish guys got in line and started talking to me, bumping into me, what have
you. I was tired. I wanted ice-cream. Whatever, it doesn’t matter, the answer
was a polite “Go away”. I was done talking to people. Before I knew it, they
surrounded me and grabbed at my chest and my butt and called me things like “Snotty
American bitch.” I left. I did not get ice-cream. Here’s the craziest part: I freaking forgot
that whole thing happened. Until this week. Until #YesAllWomen.
Here’s another story: I was in Miami pumping gas (in a tank
top. I was clearly asking for this, right?) and two men working on the roof of
the convenience store started catcalling me. At first I ignored them. Then they
started making “Suck it” gestures. I made a face. Then they started getting
nasty, called me a c*nt and whatnot. I gave them the finger. Then they proceeded
to throw stones at me. FROM A ROOF. I was literally stoned for not being
flattered by “Suck it bitch.” WTF? Also a fact, I forgot about this, too.
Was I pushing all this out of my mind because it was so
painful? No. I really don’t think so. The fact is, this kind of behavior is so
expected, so freaking normal that it
hardly registers. I know I thought about it for a few days afterward, but that might
be it. Do I think all men are like this? GOOD GOD, NO. Let me be clear: No. No.
No.
But let’s all stop
accepting this shit as normal. It’s not. Men, women, whatever. Stand up, say
this actually is harassment and it’s not allowed. It’s not “boys will be boys”
and “whatcha gonna do.” That’s as insulting to men as it is to women, by the
way, to assume that all men think like this, act like this.
But what things like #YesAllWomen does is open up a
dialogue. It exposes this prevalent attitude to people like me, who have never
been raped or truly abused (because there is a difference, my friends, between
what I experienced and what others go through). It’s helpful
because it can make men, who have never stoned a woman for giving him the
finger say, whoa. That’s messed up.
Then, maybe those men, will have sons and open this dialogue with them. Teach them a way to not only not objectify women, but how to stand up
to those doing so.
I don’t think feminism is a new concept. Every trend that
comes along, like #everydaysexism and #yesallwomen and #consentculture, brings
us all one step closer to understanding our own dangerous attitudes. Maybe the
guys who appreciate a beautiful woman aren’t necessarily objectifying them, but
the next guy who takes it a step too far and makes inappropriate comment is. And
another step is thinking you can somehow “own” a pretty girl. Or be awarded a
woman. And then you’re mad because you don’t get what society has taught you
that “you deserve”. Where exactly is
that line? How far is too far?
To be honest, I’m not always sure, because we blur it a lot.
But a worldwide conversation about it couldn’t hurt. In fact, let’s have a
bunch of them, #together.
